Here’s my dilemma: He’s married to another man, and I also have feelings for the husband. Plus, I really like him! He’s funny, smart, deep. He’s a sexy leather daddy, and I’ve traveled to stay with him on two occasions and had some of the hottest sex I’ve ever had. I wound up meeting this great guy who lives across the country. I couldn’t sleep much for a while and went online to chat.
Last summer, my husband died unexpectedly, leaving me widowed and trying to pick up the pieces. I’m a 36-year-old cis gay man who came out a decade ago and found widespread acceptance from friends and family, but I fear my unique situation now might change that. But paradoxically, SPEW, if you wait until you’re no longer experiencing any jealousy-or no longer have conflicted feelings about this-you’ll never get there. And finally… It’s good that you’re taking your time, because rushing things is a good way to fuck this up. If it’s the healthy kind, ask for you what you need if it’s the unhealthy kind, get your ass into therapy if it’s the sexy and energizing kind, enjoy the ride. Instead of trying to expunge all feelings of jealousy from your emotional repertoire before opening your relationship (which no one does before entering into closed relationships), you need to ask yourself what kind of jealousy you’re feeling at a particular moment. There’s the healthy kind of jealousy (someone is being neglected or taken for granted, and their feelings need to be considered), there’s the unhealthy kind of jealousy (someone is controlling and manipulative, which is a red flag for abuse), and then there’s the sexy and energizing kind of jealousy (seeing your partner through another’s eyes and recognizing-or being reminded-of your partner’s desirability). And it’s important to distinguish between different kinds of jealousy. (I’m straining to avoid the term “compersion” here, or “the other c-word,” as it’s known at our house.) But there are times when I feel jealous… and if I’m still experiencing jealousy after 20+ years in an open relationship… and still experiencing jealousy after 30+ years being pretty fucking queer… I don’t think jealousy is something you need to completely overcome before opening your relationship or that that being “queerer” cures. As for jealousy… My husband has been with his boyfriend for five years there are times when I see them together and I am not just happy for them, SPEW, but made happy by them. And the longer that partnership goes on, the likelier the people in it-couple, throuple, or quad-are going to face the kind of relationship-extinction-level event that requires contrition, forgiveness, and aggressive memory-holing to survive. (Unwanted pain wanted pain is its own kind of joy.) But misunderstandings, disagreements, and hurt feelings are a part of every romantic partnership. Ideally a relationship brings more joy into your life than pain.
No relationship-closed, open, or poly-is a paradise. Any advice for moving on as quickly as possible into a polyamorous paradise? I want to feel queerer and a little less mainstream! But I don't want to “overcome the jealousy” or “deal with it.” I want being poly to be something that makes life amazing! But I am still being restricted by silly feelings put in my head via some nefarious patriarchal capitalist hack.
We've even tossed around the idea of some threesomes or foursomes. I can't wait for the day when I am truly stoked for this, and we can all play and love on each other. There's lots of communication happening in all directions. I adore him and he cares about us as a couple. She recently started dating a close friend of ours. Early on, we went on some random dates, made out with some other people, but took it slow because we wanted to build a foundation of trust and love first. Now we're there. It was a first for both of us! I'd always been interested-my parents are queer and have been poly my whole life-so it wasn't a new concept to me. When we started dating, she said she needed us to be poly and I agreed. About eighteen months ago I met a lovely human that I'm crazy about.
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